With Age Comes Wisdom….
so then why do I feel so confused?
One minute I think I have everything figured out, then something is said or done to throw my confidence all out of whack . Whether its hubby who makes a comment about yet another thing that the cats damaged, or my step-daughter who thinks she has to take the world on alone at 18, neither realizes how much their words and actions have a negative on my already fragile state of mind.
I know hubby doesn’t mean anything by what he says, and I haven’t even told him how much his little comments about stupid crap has been bothering me. I live in a constant state of stress that I have yet to be able to find a way to solve. Whether it’s the endless bills that arrive in the mail, or the desperation to get my step-daughter to come stay with us for a little while so I can give her the break from a life filled with stress that she needs to get away from but will not admit to herself or her father and I that it’s too much for her. She’s only 18, yet she’s trying to take on the world like she has no support from anyone. I care so much, and would do anything to help her, yet instead of accepting the help, she seems dead set on a path of self-destruction.
We just spent a good amount of money on furniture so she has a place to stay when she comes for a visit, and I have had days where I wonder if we just wasted a large sum of money on something that will never be used. Money we didn’t have, a purchase that had to go on credit, just so we could give her the ability to get away from all the BS, even for just a few days. I know that she knows I care, but I can’t help but wonder and worry about what goes on at home that may be possibly sabotaging our efforts to help her out.
There are days that all the stress makes me feel helpless, making me wonder why I even give a damn when no one else even seems to give a damn about what I have to say or even how I feel. I have stopped telling hubby about feeling mentally and physically unwell because he commonly tells me not to worry or obsess over things I can’t control, but how am I supposed to do that? How do I not worry about where the money is going to come from to pay the bills, especially when I face the chance of being out of a job yet again? How do I not worry about someone who has so much to offer the world, yet would rather throw it all away? How do I stop caring when that is the one thing that makes me, me?
I just wish I could find the way back to the person I once was. The one who laughed, the one who enjoyed life. Stress is a necessary evil and I need to find a way to end it before it ends me.
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