This has been bothering me for quite some time now. It’s a struggle to want to get out of bed in the morning, a struggle to be happy and just plain impossible to want to talk with anyone beyond my husband. Not a day goes by that there is not at least one thing that happens that makes me feel like I want to burst into tears. The worst part is I can’t even tell my husband what is wrong, or how to help me make things better because I honestly don’t even know what is causing me to remain in this funk.
The one thing that pushed me even further over then edge than I thought was possible happened on Thanksgiving. Hubby and I went to my parents house for Thanksgiving dinner and after a few drinks my father made a comment to me that hurt more than I ever thought was possible. He told me I was a cold person and that he felt that I didn’t give a damn about what happened to him or my mom. He continued on to say that if he was the last one, he assumed it wouldn’t be long before I would pull the plug. My husband was in the same room at the time and I felt like I had been slapped in the face. While my parents and I have had our troubles in the past, things are somewhat back to normal but they will never be how they used to be. How can you honestly go back to normal when you are disowned for a year due to your life choices?
But that’s not what bothered me most. I have been dealing with so much stress and other crap in my life in the past 3 years, that it hurt me and upset me to have someone I care about think that my attitude was because of them. I’m sorry, but I’m like this with everyone!!!! Not a day goes by that I don’t deal with some amount of stress and the only way I have found to deal with it is to just become numb to the situation and not give a damn anymore since no one really seems to give a damn about the effects that everything is having on me. I’ve had days where I’ve thought I’d be better off dead, but I would never push it to that point as I am not that type of person.
To make things even worse, my step-daughter actually told me the last time she was over for a visit that she prefers me when I’m drunk as I’m happier and more fun to be around. Great, more proof that I am a generally unhappy person and I still have no clue how to fix it! The only thing I can pin down is the point in my life when everything started to change and that was when the company I was working for decided to go the cheap route and outsource all the positions in the team I was on to a consulting company whose workers are all from India. That was the first time in my life that I found my job and my livelihood threatened by someone who was cheaper and not necessarily more skilled. As the months went on I found myself saddled with more work and with no one to turn to because those who were supposed to be my team mates would always claim they had too much work and could not help which was a complete crock of BS.
Each day that went by I began to hate my job more and hated getting out of bed in the morning simply because I knew what I was walking into each day, a position where I was not valued. A position where I constantly found myself waiting for the other shoe to drop because I KNEW my salary cost the company more than probably all the others combined. How can you possibly be happy when you find yourself stuck not knowing whether you will still have a job next month or even next year. When you constantly have a fear of not being able to pay your bills should the company you work for tell you that your skills are no longer required. It is that constant fear that has caused me to branch out and work on other endeavors to making extra money.
I have worked as a freelance writer, which I loved, but never seemed to have the time for. I worked as an Avon Rep, and while I did quite well, that too caused me to never have enough time for myself. My husband understands how I feel about the unknowns that come with working as an IT contractor, but the countless times I have tried to tell my parents about how I feel I always get the response, “Well, be happy you have a job”. How can I be happy when I deal with the constant stress of the unknown!
A few months ago I started selling items on Etsy and must admit I love it regardless of all the pain that the crocheting has caused in my hands. It has given me back my creative side, but I still feel so far away from being normal. I would love to be able to sell on Etsy full-time which would give me the opportunity to work on my Internet Marketing dream. On occasion I have brought the topic of working for myself up with my mom, only to have my dreams crushed because all she keeps telling me is I don’t want to work for myself, its tough, it costs a lot, etc, etc, etc. Since she thinks she knows whats best since they own their own business and have been struggling since the economy has tanked. The last time I talked with her about this, she ended up hanging up on me because I was getting upset and frustrated with the fact that she wasn’t listening to what I had to say, instead she was just giving me advice that I was not asking for. I had tried to explain to her that what I want to do is different from what they had to contend with when they started their business over 30 years ago. With the power of the internet my reach is far beyond anything they could ever dream of when done correctly.
But that is always how its been. I can’t talk to my mom about anything without getting some form of a lecture that I haven’t asked for. This has caused me to stop talking to her about anything that bothers me because I don’t want lectures, I just want someone to listen to what I have to say. To understand what I am going through, to understand how I feel, and maybe to tell me that things will get better at some point. If I wanted advice I would ask for it.
As if to add insult to injury, my father also commented on Thanksgiving that he had wished they had more kids had my mom not had the health issues she did. That hurt as well as I almost took that to mean he was unhappy with how I have turned out. That was quite evident when he told me I was cold, and didn’t care about them. It doesn’t seem to matter which way I turn or what I do, whether its family, or life in general, something happens or something is said that causes me to put up yet another wall, to become numb to yet another thing in an effort to protect myself from completely going over the edge.
My caring nature has always caused me to put everyone else before myself, and as of recent I have reached the point of not giving a damn anymore. My health and well-being has suffered so much, and has been ignored for so long that it took yet another bout of rapid heartbeats within the past few weeks to force me to pay attention to what is going on with me, and not whats happening with everyone else. I need to take care of myself, to get myself back to the person that I used to be when my husband and I first met, I just wish I could figure out how…..
